The 21st century social connection paradox

Good or bad? With social media, it’s all about how you use it.

Robert Frost was being wry, which as all wry people inevitably learn, can lead to misunderstandings.

In Frost’s poem “Mending Wall,” the narrator encourages his neighbor to reconsider the wisdom of the saying “good fences make good neighbors,” wondering to himself how barriers are supposed to bring us closer. As the two men work side by side, separated by the growing order of stone, the narrator assumes his neighbor would eventually see the absurdity of their effort.

Alas, sincerity is immune to irony, and one legacy of “Mending Wall” may be its elevation of a proverb Frost rejected on principled grounds. Count this as a point for Benjamin Franklin, who published more than 150 years earlier, “Love thy neighbor as yourself, yet don’t pull down your hedges.”

These days, spend some time on social media and it’s probably easy to understand why Franklin’s take endures – maybe it is best if we hang our laundry in the back, eat with our mouths closed and share less online. Then again, Frost might have been onto something, too. In 1914, the year “Mending Wall” was published, the western world – despite an abundance of fences – set itself on fire.

A yearning for connectedness

Over a century after “Mending Wall,” we find ourselves experiencing something which might seem like a paradox to both the introverted Frost and the gregarious Franklin: People are more connected than ever but feel less so. In 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vice Admiral Vivek Murthy, M.D., released an extensive advisory statement, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.”

In the introduction, he wrote that since first reporting to his post in 2014:

“People began to tell me they felt isolated, invisible, and insignificant. Even when they couldn’t put their finger on the word ‘lonely,’ time and time again, people of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds, from every corner of the country, would tell me, ‘I have to shoulder all of life’s burdens by myself,’ or ‘if I disappear tomorrow, no one will even notice.’

“It was a lightbulb moment for me: social disconnection was far more common than I had realized.

“In the scientific literature, I found confirmation of what I was hearing. In recent years, about one-in-two adults in America reported experiencing loneliness. And that was before the COVID-19 pandemic cut off so many of us from friends, loved ones, and support systems, exacerbating loneliness and isolation.”

The health effects of loneliness on individuals are profound, he continued, being associated with “a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety and premature death.” The effect on mortality is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and greater than the effect of obesity and physical inactivity.

Connection and community are the promises of social media, but does it deliver? Or is social media just a new kind of wall between neighbors?

The answer is complex, and yet unfolding.

A window to the broader world

In the social media age relationships are, in some ways, much more durable than in the past. Where once careers, family and life events would cause friendships to fail due to entropy or geography, social media has helped us stay connected, even if only loosely at times.

This is good for us.

“We know that having a strong social network is associated with positive mental health and well-being,” said Mesfin Awoke Bekalu, a research scientist at Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health, in an interview with a Harvard publication. “Routine social media use may compensate for diminishing face-to-face social interactions in people’s busy lives. Social media may provide individuals with a platform that overcomes barriers of distance and time, allowing them to connect and reconnect with others and thereby expand and strengthen their in-person networks and interactions. Indeed, there is some empirical evidence supporting this.”

Other researchers have also found evidence that social media can be beneficial, particularly for individuals facing isolating experiences.

Across the social media landscape, there are pockets of communities helping one another manage the complexities of life. Individuals can make connections with others experiencing medical conditions, PTSD, addiction or grief, or they can find support for new challenges, such as former foster kids struggling with the adult world soon after reaching the age of majority.

Even when the stakes are lower, social media can also support health and fulfilment. Hobbyists now have access to information and inspiration at a scale previously unimaginable. Eighteenth century woodworking? Knitting dog clothes? Costuming? If you can imagine it, you can find it, often supported by an abundance of YouTube auteurs and niche businesses ready to ship superior-quality materials.

Even among youth there is evidence that social media can be beneficial, though public health leaders urge varying degrees of caution, and generally suggest children under 14 be kept away from social media.

In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory imploring policymakers to take notice of evidence suggesting “a profound risk of harm to the mental health and well-being of children and adolescents,” while encouraging additional research. Around the same time, the American Psychological Association Board of Representatives released a related advisory – its first ever – encouraging a balanced approach to youth social media policy and also encouraging additional research.

The board wrote: “Using social media is not inherently beneficial or harmful to young people. Adolescents’ lives online both reflect and impact their offline lives. In most cases, the effects of social media are dependent on adolescents’ own personal and psychological characteristics and social circumstances.”

In a follow-up, Jacqueline Nesi, a member of the APA panel that published the advisory, told the APA’s magazine, Monitor on Psychology, “It’s important to realize there can be benefits for many teens. Teens (and adults) obviously get something out of social media. We have to take a balanced view if we want to reach teens and help them use these platforms in healthier ways.”

The social potential

Social media content feeds are created by opaque algorithms with deep insight into your life, habits, purchases and beliefs, serving an infinite trough of content and advertising designed to capture your attention, whether through joy, curiosity or rage. Soon enough, one can find oneself in a “filter bubble” of people, ideas and products that align very closely with one’s preconceptions. The only glimpse of other opinions may be from provocateurs effective at gaining attention by antagonizing an already-hostile audience.

For people who are already experiencing stresses in life, social media can amplify them. For people going through tough moments, perusing others’ highlight reels of vacations, grandkids and lavish meals may make them feel even worse.

Getting a benefit to your well-being from social media is partially dependent on the platform, types of use and what users are bringing into the experience (like a history of depression, the U.S. Surgeon General wrote). Other risk factors include income, gender, race and age – women and minorities experience higher levels of directed and undirected sexism and racism on social media. It’s hard to opt out of content you don’t want to see in social media’s strange mix: Here’s a post about a cat followed by a news story about a tragedy, then a photo of your college roommate’s dinner, then a diatribe against your beliefs and then another picture of a cat …

Compared to more moderate use, heavy social media use of two or more hours a day is associated with “double the odds of reporting increased perceptions of social isolation compared to those who used social media for less than 30 minutes per day.”

If two hours seems like a lot, several studies suggest it is actually below the daily average for a typical social media user, particularly among youth.

It’s easy to say one should just avoid social media, but that’s becoming increasingly unrealistic. It’s often the only place to find information about local events, restaurants and community bulletins. It’s also prolific; between 80% and 90% of adults of all ages use at least one social media platform, with a smaller number – but still a majority – of adults age 65+ participating. Social media is with us, whether we’re particularly keen on it or not.

More social, less media

Moderation and intent are keys to helping you get more out of social media. Checking social media can be part of a healthy daily routine but using it as a time filler or to stave off a moment of boredom can end up distracting you from life’s real experiences.

For a better social media experience, it may be best to embrace the social, and be cautious with the media. Bring conversations with a group of friends out of the public space of posts and comments and use a group chat, instead – plus there’s no risk of your granddaughter coming across something meant for your peers. Respond and connect with friends – seek to participate, not just consume content – but avoid arguing with strangers. Also be aware that images, news articles and even comments may be produced by AI systems designed to sell you things or elicit an emotional response. If you see something on your feed that seems too good or too bad, it may be true, or it may be the work of an unknown actor trying to manipulate your feelings.

A common complaint on social media is that friends’ updates are not appearing while viral content is pushed to the top. When the platform allows you to change this presentation (in Facebook, the setting to change can be found on the “Feeds” tab), you can limit your feed to just your friends and groups you follow.

A yearning for community

Maintaining social wellness gets harder as we get older. Social media can be a good tool to combat that, but we know it doesn’t replace old-fashioned, one-on-one visits and phone calls. In his advisory on loneliness, the U.S. Surgeon General recommends people take more notice of their social needs and invest time into nurturing relationships. When you do get together with someone, it’s a good habit to keep the phone in one’s pocket or purse and prioritize the here and now.

Other healthy aging habits support social wellness like fitness classes, volunteering and creativity. Social media can be a good tool for finding those opportunities. And if you’re feeling lonely, bring it up with your healthcare provider or faith leader – subtle physiological issues can cause people to withdraw.

And paraphrasing the Surgeon General, nobody wants to become crotchety, but life’s tough, and becoming a grump is a slippery slope. We have to guard against it and work to be the kind of person we would want to share a moment with. It may not surprise you that Robert Frost, wandering around his cold New England landscapes pondering the big questions, could be notoriously crotchety.

Incidentally, Frost wrote “Mending Wall” during a stint living in Old England while feeling homesick for his pointless stone wall, his unwise neighbor and the missed opportunity to mend that wall alongside him in the spring.

Sources: Harvard University; U.S. Surgeon General; National Institutes of Health; Boston College; American Psychological Association; Mayo Clinic; Defense Advanced Projects Research Agency; University of Maryland; New Hampshire Division of Parks and Recreation.